How can Proverbs 23:6 help you have an upside-down marriage? If you’re a married woman, what can you learn from this private conversation between a son and father? If you’re a married man , what’s there to learn from this helpful father giving his son “the talk”? In Proverbs 23 this invested father will talk to his son about: 1. how to handle social situations 2. the dangers of alcohol abuse 3. the importance of positive friendships 4. a lesson on sexuality But don’t miss verse 26. The good dad creates closeness through vulnerability: "My son, give me your heart." He admits that he wants closeness with his son, and closeness requires cooperation. And that is the basis of the upside-down truth: Declaring “I love you” is important, but admitting “I want to be loved” is where intimacy is created.

I picked up the idea that DISCIPLESHIP was about finding that one mentor who could, with his wit and wisdom, heal my wounds and bring me closer to Jesus. I thought there’d be notebooks, coffee, and in-depth Bible studies. I imagined that he was older, wiser, and profoundly interested in my life. Maybe you found that kind of person. And good for you. But here is what actually happened: I was discipled by the church. My regular old normal church. I went to church and heard sermons. I attended classes and groups and get-togethers. In 3rd grade I saw my Sunday school teacher, Bud Whitlow, write a check for what seemed to me to be an insane amount of money and give it to the church. I watched him write that check every Sunday for as long as he was my teacher. (Bud let his son and me blow up milk jugs with a 12 gauge on his property outside of town.) In 6th grade Mrs. Jordan told me to read my Bible for myself, not just to listen to others read. Someone else taught me how. Someone else told me to look for the narrative thread of salvation history in the Old and New Testaments. In 8th grade a young dad from church took me to visit the sick people and showed me how to pray with them. Sometimes he’d tell me to jump in his truck and take me to visit the people who were new to the church. He’d always put on his ballcap to drive and take it off when we were about to go inside. A few times people prayed to be Christians when we went to their home. Once I rode with men from my church to a pastor’s conference in Jacksonville, Florida and listened to sermons for 2 straight days. We would drink coffee in between the sessions. I felt like a grown man. Another man not much older than me taught me how to ask my friends if they want to be Christians. A few times I did. My football coach in high school was also a volunteer youth leader and deacon at our church and showed me how to live a godly life as a public figure in a small town. He probably thought I wasn’t paying attention because by then I had started hiding my faith and acting like an unbeliever at school. When I got to college and began avoiding her altogether, the church still had my heart. Since I was new in town, a pastor I’d never met once came to visit my apartment and invited me to church. I tried to make him feel stupid. He walked away angry with me, but I closed the door knowing the church still wanted me. Some pastor in Shawnee, Oklahoma probably thought it was a waste of his time to knock on my door that day. But it was actually a part of my discipleship. I returned to the church and found her happy to take me back. A volunteer opened the door and smiled. A very kind older woman asked me to fill out a card and gave me a gift with the church logo on it. They put me in a group with people my age. They encouraged me to give 10% of my paycheck. They discovered that I could teach and gave me the opportunity. I had treated the church so badly, yet the church eagerly encouraged me to pursue leadership. Sometimes older wiser men would cross my path and would take an interest in me, but none of those guys possessed ALL of the spiritual gifts. I learned that they’re just men. If I were hoping for a spiritual guru, or all-in-one spiritual guide/father/pastor they failed. But as a part of the body, they did their job. These were good men who were each deficient in some way. Individually, they were less than what I needed, but corporately they were Jesus’ body bringing me to maturity. God never gave me a personal spiritual father who would play Paul to my Timothy, but I‘m not sure that’s very common anyway. He did give me his very body, the church. I was discipled by the church.

Proverbs 26:23  Like the glaze covering an earthen vessel  are fervent lips with an evil heart.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, - 1 Peter 3:7   Sometimes I teach/coach church planters or pastors. One of the most important aspects of that role is preaching sermons, so the church planters and I spend quite a bit of time talking about it.  Of all the things that go into preaching a sermon here’s one thing that you need to know in case you ever have to preach. Know the text. Know it really well.  Of course each preacher should have a destination in mind, a place that he is trying to go with the sermon and a place he wants to take the people.  Of course he must keep also in mind that many in the room don’t believe, don’t want to be there, and don’t even understand what he’s talking about.  All those things are true and must be taken into account, but primarily a preacher is talking about the Bible. He must know the words that are in the Bible.  I tell the cohort, “Your text for a given sermon must be as familiar to you as the path from your bed to your bathroom in the middle of the night.”  You don’t want to be stumbling around looking for a light switch in the middle of your sermon.  You should literally know all of the words, sentences and ideas forwards and backwards.  How can a preacher get that kind of familiarity with the text? Read it. Read it again.  I would guess that I read a text 30-40 times before I preach a sermon on Sunday.  This is likely not the most important thing to teach about sermon delivery, but it is among the most basic. Don’t skip the basics.  What does that have to do with building a marriage that you are proud of?  Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, - 1 Peter 3:7  Peter instructs the men who read his letter to “dwell with your wife in an understanding way so that your prayers may not be hindered.”  I think that the most arresting thing about that verse is the connection between your prayer life and your marriage. It’s true. If you aren’t doing well in marriage, you can often find a connection to a lack of closeness to God.  For a long time I remembered that if I’m not close to Brooke my prayers will be hindered, and I considered that Peter’s main point.  However, Peter didn’t write that to let you know that there is a connection between marital closeness and closeness to God.  He wrote that verse to tell husbands to live in an understanding way with their wives. He’s only supporting his main idea by telling us that a lack of understanding will hinder your walk with Christ.   So what is “an understanding way?”   It’s easy to simply sweep “an understanding way” under the rug of being nice. The problem is, that won’t do.  You will not build a marriage you’re proud of by being nice.  Peter is imagining something far more active when he writes “an understanding way.”  It’s closer to how a preacher reads the words in his Bible over and over again. That preacher wants to know those words so well that he can go from idea to word to sentence with mastery.  That kind of understanding is the result of careful study.  Peter is telling husbands to study their wives.  The wording that is translated “understanding” can sound especially emotional.  However, it is actually much closer to the idea of understanding that is connected to knowledge.  He is not telling husbands to feel something with her, but to know something about her.  The kind of understanding that requires study.  He is describing careful observation over many years so that you can easily navigate her history, her dreams, her disappointments, her hopes.  A man of understanding doesn’t ask for the answers to the test.  He’s not a schoolboy skipping class then cheating off of his neighbor.  He’s in it for the understanding. He actually loves the subject. He’s taking notes, making observations, and even adding to what can be known.  He begins to know her in some ways better than she knows herself.  He has been paying attention to her even when she is on autopilot.  He’s the student who has learned so well that he, at times, can become the teacher and help his wife sort through her complex emotions and hang ups. If you study, you will know your wife.  Over time you will become the expert.  No one could know what you will know.  And she will respond.  As you both age, each day moving further from the beauty and vitality of youth, your marriage will become more full of life.  You will feel a gentle pity on the young and beautiful (and those who spend their time wishing they were) because they are not yet known and not yet knowing.  

The New York Post thinks there are 10 signs your marriage may fail.   Don't be so sure.   You can read the article here:  https://nypost.com/2020/07/30/these-are-10-signs-your-relationship-will-fail-according-to-science/   Here's one thing that they surely got right:   “It really seems that having a great relationship is less about finding the perfect partner or changing your current partner, and more about building that relationship itself — setting up the conditions that will allow the relationship to flourish.”   Now for the big question, how do you set up those conditions?  The 10 factors that they studied (in over 11,000 couples) gave mixed results and a few stuck out as more important than the others.   But before you dig into the article or shell out $10 for your own copy of the the original study, consider the last line of the abstract.   **Finally, relationship-quality change (i.e., increases or decreases in relationship quality over the course of a study) was largely unpredictable from any combination of self-report variables.**    Translation: "No predicting factor can prepare a couple for the ups and downs of real life."    Of course a romantic relationship is affected by factors like life satisfaction negative affect depression attachment avoidance attachment anxiety   One or both of the people in a marriage may suffer from depression for any number of reasons, and that will put serious strain on the relationship. If “life satisfaction” is low it makes sense that the relationship will be difficult. But it's unnecessary to buy the modern lie that a difficult relationship is a doomed relationship.   The only phrase in the Bible by written by Moses, spoken by Jesus, and cited by Paul is a plan for relationship that has stood the test of millennia.  Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.  Genesis 2:24

Proverbs 29:25

Proverbs 27:15

Proverbs 26:1 

Proverbs 25:12